Orange Lights and Serendipity

Some orange light sneaks through the blinds and highlights the little bottle of water lying on my table. The room is pitch dark except for the golden rays from the neon lamps that struggle to creep inside. It is not a steady beam of light but it flickers. Flickers to the rhythm of the cold winds that sway the blinds embracing the window panes. I turn around to look at the bottle of water more closely and it looks wonderful. The table is shaky and that adds mystique to the otherwise ordinary bottle of water. I see ripples. Ripples of gold and amber racing towards the wall of the bottle. Bubbles of air entrapped at the sides rise mellifluously in sync with the ripples. I see life. A life that was not noticed before. A life that was not appreciated before. A life that appears only to the keen eyes. The blinds tap to the tune of the howling winds. I get lost in the play portrayed in a casual yet elegant style. It feels like sitting all alone in a theatre and watching a mono act. The wind now settles for the drizzle to catch up. A mild drizzle that softly highlights everything on its way with a glitter and gently breaks into the skin of a little pool of water outside. They carry with them their own rhythm and this time, the active procession of golden waves retire to become inanimate once again.

Embryo Unallowed

Her clan swarm to party the day,

Cheers! she is in the family way.

Puddings and pastries fill her tray,

Softly she says hip hip hurray!

The day comes like a thundercloud,

Her kith and kin are no more proud.

For she bears an embryo unallowed,

A birth that will end under a shroud.

She will have rosy cheeks and a little chin,

So what? we won’t let her life begin.

She will do us proud, earn wings and win,

No,she is a burden, bringing pain and sin.

Words descend like pricks and stings,

She writhes on the bed and lowly sings,

A trite little verse for the unborn wings,

Apologizing for the heinous things.

She twitches and turns out of dying pain,

Little angel, she drowns in the void in vain.

Women, they think, put an extrinsic strain,

On humanity which is simple and plain.

I find bliss in solitude

I find bliss in solitude.
Sipping a cup of coffee
Or, tasting a caramel toffee.
Munching a bowl of peanuts
Or, lunching a sugary donut.

I find bliss in solitude.
Hearing the ticking old clock
Or, crushing little pieces of chalk.
Mending with my old, unused pens
Or, standing upside down till I count ten.

I find bliss in solitude.
Trekking through the mountain ranges
Or, resting next to country granges.
Riding in pretty luxury trains
Or, gliding around and flying planes.

I find bliss in solitude
Searching for the physics of light
In a lab that is far away from sight.
Penning down my thoughts day and night
Hoping for something big and bright.

I find bliss in solitude
Running away from mobs and herds
Or,hiding away from mortal girds.
Whisking off to a different altitude
And find my bliss in solitude.

Saturday afternoon Blues

On a lazy Saturday afternoon, I write this, with a random instrumental music playing in the background. It feels like the perfect time to reflect on my 23 years of existence on this planet. There are the few lucky ones who know what they want to do or at least pretend that they have always known their purpose in life. Then there are the others who know what they want, but are unable to live life in accordance to their wishes. Very unfortunate! Then there are others who do not know what they want from life, this is where I fit in.  I bet the majority of the population would belong here.

I went to school like every other kid, chose a subject to specialise for my under graduate degree and did my master’s as I was expected to. Then began looking for a PhD, am yet to find one. I found a job instead.  Growing up in a country like India doesn't give you a lot of choices, you are expected to do certain things and you do them without questioning.  I am expected to start working and so I will. I am to be blamed as well. I gave in to peer pressure, to make sure I fitted well with the crowd. Success as defined by the society, it unconsciously makes you look down on the people who don’t follow norms. These are real people who listened to their heart instead of bowing down to the societal pressures and come under the first class of people I described above. There are trail blazers in every field who took the road less travelled, I didn’t. It is terrifying to go against the tide. So here, I stand at the threshold of another new venture, unsure of what the future holds.  Will I ever find out what my passion is? A backpacking trip to Bhutan would probably set the ball rolling!! 

Falling in love with Buddhism...(Part I)

I shouldn’t even be writing this as it goes against the ideals of Buddhism to be attached to labels, nevertheless I decide to put my thoughts into writing. There is something wrong with our conceptual way of looking at things, I had dealt with this long enough to realise that this approach to life leads to a lot of confusion. I went in search of the idealistic set of rules that would tell me how to behave appropriately in every situation, I even thought about how somebody else would handle the situation. Someone saner, wiser and more in control. I looked up to a lot of people and observed their reactions and tried to impersonate them when I had to deal with a similar kind of problem, Of course none of that really worked because there was no clarity. The situation was not the same, the people involved were not the same kind and above all how can I think for others constantly??

Then I ran into Zen Buddhism and I realised where I was stuck..Sure it didn’t happen overnight but the realisation slowly crept in. ‘Do not put anybody above your own head’.’No body can and nobody might save you’.’ Be a lamp unto yourself’  I can cite numerous other lines, the thing is Buddhism believes in the infinite wisdom present in each of us, If only we care to look instead of getting carried away with what the world tells us.

Compassion for the self, for others around us, these are not taught to us . One might as well argue that these cannot be taught but it wasn't even introduced to us so that we could practice with it. We are just told to be good to others and be helpful,but why should one do it?What about the self? Are we supposed to constantly punish ourselves and ‘ act’ noble for the sake of others? I didn't find answers to these nagging questions. May be one feels good at people’s validation of their service and benefaction but these won’t sustain us for long and we eventually get tired of seeking it. Or as a Buddhist might say we find it empty. And the other plausible reason is that we accumulate Karma points based on what we do so it’s best that we do good and avoid evil at all costs. That should give enough motivation to keep people away from wrong doing but it certainly doesn't work. If People really believed in the law of karma there wouldn't be so much suffering caused.( Buddhism might say beliefs don’t really help.) May be there is a way to get around this bad karma that we have accumulated and certain religions promise to do away with your karma if we decide to surrender yourself . All we need to do is repent (ie feel extremely guilty) for our misdeeds and God would save us. What I have realised is that there is a deeper meaning to this. This isn't as simple as feeling guilty and then getting over it and committing the same mistake over and over again with the hope of God saving us. Of course things can be interpreted in many ways so its up to us to decide what works and what doesn't. 

What did work for me was that if we look at ourselves with compassion and gentleness we see how we love our drama and how we keep it going. It isn’t easy to look at this dispassionately it is very scary and confusing at times to watch ourselves do stuff that we know we shouldn't be doing yet we continue to do.  Now It doesn't help to condemn our actions ,We only get frustrated and desperate when we don’t live up to the ideals we have set for ourselves. I haven’t been practising for long but what I do know is that there is another way. It is to be patient with all that we do,( the good,the bad and the ugly) that naturally reflects in our ability to tolerate others around us. Being kind to oneself has a whole new meaning .We see our own insecurities and fears, learn not to judge them and so with everybody else. We let people be who they are without criticising or attacking them not because we are saints but because we see the same stuff in ourselves every day.

Life at the beauty and beast campus

Sometime early this year, I received a selection letter from the Indian Academy of Sciences to which I had applied last year for Summer Research Fellowship. Though I was excited about the selection, I got nervous as soon as I understood that I will be working on a monstrous topic in Physics at a rigorous Theoritical Physics institute in India. The letter in bold letters said that I will be guided by Dr.Sudhakar Panda, a String Theorist at Harish Chandra Research Institute, Allahabad. That is a subject about which I know nothing except for a bit of its History and I had to make up my mind for this little challenge.

Loads of anticipation and planning went on for the next few months. I tried reading the basics of String Theory and Gravity but ended in vain. It was finally the day for the dance. I was accompanied by mom and uncle to Allahabad. Things started getting on my nerves and I couldnt enjoy anything on the way to the campus including the majestic Ganges. The very first sight of the campus panicked me further. Guards with large guns and stern faces dotted the entrance and the eeriely calm realm started ceasing out the life in me. The next minute, we were in the reception area of the Guest House and a pot bellied man approached us with a key.From his unfriendly grin, I could decipher that we had disturbed him from his sound sleep. He led us into a large furnished room that looked super comfortable. After a little nap, we got ready to meet the professor.

I was walking slowly towards the professor's room along with my dear moral supports. I opened the door and saw an old man sitting behind a humongous sized Apple PC and that was my professor. His serene smile and soft words washed away all the panic in me. After discussing the agenda for the next two months, he gave me a 220 page course notes on General Theory of Relativity that forms part of my project on Cosmology . One look at the tensorial equations again put me back into peril. Mom and uncle left back the same day and I was now staying with two other Summer Fellows in a flat. The whole night was spent thinking how I would go about this project.

The first thing I did was to make a count down chart and score off a day as soon as I wake up every morning. Though things looked hectic, I got accustomed to the place very soon. Thanks to my professor, who kept my enthusiam always high. Every Physics discussion would end with some story of great value. I listened to him with awe at all that he said and those words still keep me going. One story that haunts me almost everyday is his encounter with Feynmann.

The serene campus had a rich bird life- Peacocks, pelicans, sparrows, storks and a lot more decorated the campus with their bright plumage. There was not a day when I didn't laze around the campus with my camera. While bird life embellished the campus at broad day light, it was the jackals' turn at night. Time started whooshing past since then. I was amused at people's interests- someone liked eating frogs but not chicken or mutton, someone wanted to do screenplay after getting Ph.D in Physics, someone is a pen enthusiast who doesnt mind spending the whole salary on buying pens and the list goes on. Every week,the project presented new challenges and every week end presented more fun.

Shooting pictures at 'No to Photography' zone at Anand Bhavan, devouring Blue Lagoon ice lollies and momos at a nearby mall, visit to Triveni Sangam, watching the Ganges gleefully from the terrace, naps at the library lounge, late night chats, torrential rain falls and the horrendous thunders made my stay beautiful and a bit adventurous. I used to wake up at 4 in the morning to hear those chirps and watch the sun rise majestically and I spentsome time with just myself under the starry skies at night.

My time at HRI was coming to an end. It appeared as if the end came quicker than expected. The project was done and my mom and uncle were back to pick me up. My guide wished me good luck with another interesting story from his life. As I was ravelling back home, I could do nothing but recollect all those beautiful moments at HRI and I wish I go back to that place sometime.

Day Dream ? Its Awesome

If dreaming is a piece of art, day dreaming is a masterpiece. For sometime now, I have been slipping into the this magical domain of day dreaming quite often. Its a land of beauty and awe and I own a little land there. It was while sitting in Statistical Mechanics class that I built a cosy home in it. I set my home in a LOTR locale and this adds a touch of fantasy to it. I am lazing through the narrow cobblestoned paths with a red muffler around my neck.I walk through the woods and beautiful gardens. The mountains are shrouded in mist and a  beautiful number is being played on the background. There is a mild breeze and its pretty cold here. The night sky descends with a lovely boquet of stars and embraces me. I cover my head with the muffler and rub my hands to keep myself warm. I sit on a wooden bench, close my eyes and get absorbed in the loneliness. Slowly, thoughts flash in one by one and reminds me of everything that I love in my life- the people, the crazy fantasies and the little goals. While this progresses, thoughts about the people whom I miss peeps in- the time spent with them, the happy moments that were shared and so on. I realise the value of love and care. I slowly slip out of my LOTR land. I felt refreshed and rejuvenated after my dream. It gave a chance to connect with myself. Will surely visit this land sometime again for this place loves me too.